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Only child – a unique inheritance No one to snatch your toys… No one to witness what it's like being a teen in your home… No one to share carer duties when you yourself have arthritis. A child with no siblings has a different take on life. by Ann Richardson
This is a message posted on the BeingAnOnly internet message board and sums up well what it is to be an adult 'only-child' – the sense of feeling 'odd', different and ultimately alone. I am an only child myself but it wasn't until I was in my mid-30s that I sat with a group of other 'only-children' for the first time. Things I'd assumed were specific to my own upbringing turned out to have been theirs, too. It was a new, surprising and affirming experience and inspired me to create opportunities for other onlies to meet and be surprised. As a counsellor and psychotherapist for 12 years, I have worked with individual clients, run workshops, recently set up internet message boards and organised the first only-child conference, 'The Power of Being One', in July 2005. The purpose of these four ventures has been to explore and validate the only-child experience and to get beyond the stale stereotype of 'spoilt' and 'selfish'. Growing up as an only-child is no better or worse than having siblings, but it is different.
Without the mirroring opportunities of lateral relationships in the family of origin, only-children can feel at a disadvantage. One reason why the therapeutic relationship can be of immense interest to the only-child client and the adult who decides to train as a therapist is that it offers a safe, boundaried space with the familiar one-to-one attention and the ready-made 'witness' in the therapist. Core issues of an only-childhood 1. Intensity and attention
The hallmark of the only-child experience is its intensity. The child becomes the sole focus of parental attention, projections, hopes and expectations. To those with siblings who have had to compete for attention, this must seem very desirable, but to only-children it can feel overwhelming. 2. Role of siblings In her recent work on the significance of siblings in psychoanalysis, Juliet Mitchell1 refers to the act of displacement that the arrival or existence of a sibling has on the child: 'The experience of siblings introduces a social dimension – it is a social trauma. For the older child, the great fear of the one who replaces and displaces breaks through its protective barriers. The younger child must add the fear of being killed by the older sibling to its general helplessness in the face of the world. In most cases these experiences will be healed and the dread and shock will turn into hate and love, rivalry and friendship.' The only-child has to neither meet the challenge of his or her bond with the parent being replaced by another and surviving that displacement, nor face the threat of another child already being there and discovering resources that might enable him/her to overcome the terror this represents. Brian Shand2 has just completed his MSc research, Only Children and Group Analysis, where he posits that group analysis 'offers a treatment of choice for only-children' as it can provide a 'powerful new experience via a surrogate provision of the missing siblings'. Regarding the subsequent living of family life, Winnicott3 says: 'In a big family there is a chance for children to play all sorts of different roles in relation to each other, and all this prepares them for life in larger groups and eventually in the world.' The opportunities to negotiate, fight, win and lose, compete for attention and possessions, form allegiances against the parents and against each other, love, hate, envy, tease and survive the experience, are simply not available to the only-child within the immediate family. Neither is the chance for childish play and all that implies:
'Rough-and-tumble' is a term Pitkeathley and Emerson4 use: 'The importance of rough-and-tumble is that it involves learning relationships with people of the same generation, if not of the same age, living under approximately the same constraints – and not with adults – their peers. It also means learning about these relationships within an environment from which you cannot walk away, but have to make some sort of accommodation or achieve resolution. The rough-and-tumble experience teaches you what accommodation, what resolution.' If lateral relationships in families are so important, what then are the implications of having none? 3. Power imbalance The amount of time experienced in relating to adults is far greater in the case of the only-child. In the context of the two-parent family, 'only three interactions are possible and all involve at least one adult … the only interactions in which the child can take part have an adult element; the only interaction that the child can observe is an entirely adult one.'4 Within this dynamic, there is a clear power imbalance, where all the interactions a child has within its nuclear family are with adults. Learning to relate and adapt to an adult world and accept parental power within that unit alone makes a stark contrast to the child growing up with one or more siblings. Daring to express strong feelings of love, hate, anger or rage can only be tried out with an adult:
As this message shows, it's tough to try out your deepest feelings with an adult and the result of this can be that the only-child learns to repress their own feelings in favour of appeasing the parent.
4. Parental definition, identity and separation Pitkeathley and Emerson again: 'Since people develop much of their self-image from what is reflected back to them from the "mirror" of their families, only-children, with no siblings to provide such a reflection, are much more dependent on their parents to provide it.'4 Whilst the only-child is likely to appear confident on the outside, their persona might belie a much less secure sense of self on the inside.
The inherent danger of this lopsided power dynamic is that the parents set the child's agenda, which the only-child has to throw off in order to explore and discover their own. To truly risk 'killing off' the parents would leave the only-child with no other ally. That could be costly. With no other child in the unit to deflect attention whilst they rebel, it is often difficult for the only-child to truly separate from the parents. It is common for many 40-year-old onlies to laugh when asked if they rebelled as a teenager and say they're still considering it. Bernice Sorensen, who has recently completed doctoral research, Not Special but Different: the female adult only-child experience,5 says this about enmeshment: 'In my research one of the clear messages that came from co-researchers was a sense of not being separate from parents, experiencing themselves as merely an extension of parental hopes and fears which left them feeling they could not exist in their own right.' Paul Smith-Pickard, Chair of the Society for Existential Analysis, and speaker at the BeingAnOnly conference, elaborated in his presentation: 'Enmeshment, as I've experienced it, is the giving away of yourself to another, it's like trying to live outside of yourself. It fuels self hatred, it's a very self deceiving pattern to get locked into'. And in a recent workshop I facilitated on Sexuality and Identity, there was a strong feeling from those taking part that they had been so enmeshed in their relationship with their parents that they felt they were 'not allowed' to have a sexual life or identity of their own. Implications for the therapeutic relationship Other issues magnified The implications of the intensity of the only-child experience in a one- or two-parent family can be magnified where there are other issues to contend with, for example parental mental health problems, divorce, separation, bereavement or abuse. Creativity Because only-children inevitably spend time alone, many have developed a strong creative muscle, inventing imaginary friends, siblings, landscapes or adventures. This can be a useful resource in the therapeutic process. Transference In my experience, onlies present as independent, thoughtful, reliable, willing yet somewhat fearful clients. I notice they easily feel 'observed', that I have high expectations of them, that they want to please me and that they would protect me from their strong feelings where possible. The only-child client is likely to want the therapist to teach and 'know better' than them. To express oneself directly and emotionally can be difficult for the only-child. Such is the experience of being in the 'spotlight'of parental attention that the one thing you may have learnt to keep private are your feelings. To dare to show another the nakedness of your inner self is terrifying and risks your feeling 'suffocated' all over again. Countertransference and use of supervision There is a perception socially that an only-child is spoilt and selfish. As counsellors we have a responsibility to inform ourselves about uniqueness of all kinds and to look at any assumptions we may have ourselves about an upbringing that was different to our own. Counter transference can be very helpful and for therapists who had siblings, it may in fact be especially powerful. When I worked with one therapist in supervision, this was indeed the case. The therapist had grown up with siblings herself and was experiencing difficulties with a particular only-child client. We met after her first few sessions with him.
Through supervision we were able to identify how her countertransference was a key to her continued and effective working with this client. She came to see that the powerful dynamics she was encountering in the room were an illustration of a childhood that was so unfamiliar to her that she had been in danger of making an inaccurate assessment. She realised that her client had felt constantly tested by his parents, trying harder to win their approval, overwhelmed by the need and demands he felt under, like he was constantly 'out of his depth' and that therefore there must be something 'wrong with him':
She noticed that he talked in a 'veiled' kind of way, often not saying directly what he meant. At first she felt irritated by this and understood it as a way to shut her out, to avoid relationship with her. But as a result of supervision, she began to understand his defensiveness better and developed a real lightness of touch in communicating with him. When he talked, she could listen 'beneath the surface' to what he was saying. He would, as an example, talk of decorating his house. She found she could use this as a metaphor to highlight what was going on for him. She was mindful of not 'tearing anything apart', rather waiting her time and delivering her interventions in a way that he could digest, 'the subtler the better'. As their relationship developed, she began to like him more, realising that in the beginning she had found him unlikeable because he gave off a sense of 'don't come near me'. With her enhanced understanding, her warm and expressive personality offered him exactly what had been missing in his childhood and their work is progressing well:
We need to create awareness about the adult experience of being an only child and offer people various means of therapeutic support. BeingAnOnly internet message board My traits – me or the only within?
Am I just a sociopath (!) or does anyone relate to this? Jules I think (with a few exceptions) you just described me! Carol Peer support has particular relevance and importance for the only-child as the 'missing experience'. The internet has opened up a potent and accessible opportunity. Over the past eighteen months, there have been over 1,000 messages posted from all over the world on the BeingAnOnly message board. The openness, seriousness and depth of feeling being shared has been moving. Internet protocol has offered anonymity and the convenience of writing, and many have commented on the fact that they find expressing their feelings through writing easier than talking. Being an only-child doesn't stop in childhood. The fact of not having siblings continues at every life stage. As an adult, there will be no nieces and nephews. For the straight or gay only-child who doesn't go on to have a family themselves, this means no relationship to a younger generation within the immediate family. For those that do, there are no aunts, uncles or cousins for their child or children, especially if they marry another only. In middle age, the only-child is faced with one or two ailing parents and knows that the responsibility is all theirs. And when the parent/s finally die, someone to share the family history with dies too. The only-child finds themselves alone again. Their family of origin has gone and there is no one with whom they can swap notes, check up on half-remembered experiences, or even share the grieving. They are the lone survivor. Conference: 'The Power of Being One' This was the first conference of its kind, bringing together speakers from the world of only-child research, experiential workshops and a social buffet cruise to end the day. Half the delegates were counsellors and 95 per cent of them had grown up as an only-child. Ages ranged from mid twenties to mid seventies and people streamed in from all over the UK, undeterred by the July bombings which had occurred two days before. Bringing onlies together artificially can be challenging. Recruiting for the conference met with some resistance. However, once the meeting happens, there is no end to the discoveries and enthusiasm of understanding that peer reflection offers as some surrogacy is created. Many expressed relief that the only-child experience had been brought into the counselling agenda.
This discovery of a sense of belonging seems to be an important and common outcome of peer sharing, as does an increased self-acceptance. CPD and supervision There are workshops and seminars on offer for the adult only-child and counsellors. There will be a second conference in September 2006. A list of reading material – research, media and fiction – and a webguide are available at www.beinganonly.com. The website is linked to the not-for-profit company BeingAnOnly, whose aim is to become a hub for a network of only children and affiliated professionals. For each of us, our childhood and its effects are unique, whether or not we have siblings. Having siblings means that each child is part of a group of children within the family. As an only child, we enter the family alone. I am curious to explore how this start in life can be a preparation for our true individuation as adults. In this year's conference, we will be looking to see how best we can manifest the potential of our particular legacy, our unique inheritance. I'd like to give the last words to a member of the message board:
*All forum messages taken from the Yahoo BeingAnOnly Internet Message Board 2004/5 (see http://groups. yahoo.com/group/beinganonly). Ann Richardson is a UKCP registered counsellor and psychotherapist.
In 2004 she formed the not-for-profit company BeingAnOnly to provide
resources for only children of all ages. For information and links,
visit www.beinganonly.com References
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