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• Often I leave the therapy room in tears. Last week I arrived in tears. I had had an emotional conversation with my lover on the hands-free as I drove to the appointment. So I continued where I had left off in the car, telling my therapist about the conversation. Ten minutes into the session I drew breath, wiped my eyes. ‘So can we talk dates?’ said my therapist. ‘You wanted to change the time of the sessions.’ What? Now? Did she even notice I was upset? Would it not be more appropriate to do this at the end?
  
  ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘you can change.’ However, her tone of voice and body language did not give me the impression that she was happy about this. She seemed begrudging, irritated and put out. ‘You have just been very lucky in this instance that I have a slot. You won’t be able to do this again. If you want to change again it will be very difficult.’ I was quite taken aback. Then irritated. I felt defensive and indignant. Lucky? Shouldn’t she think herself lucky that I am here enabling her to earn a living? I’m glad I’m not her therapist and trying to enable change in her if she is this entrenched about an appointment time. (I note how defensive I get and want to lash out when someone upsets me.) Anyway, back to work. An unspoken feeling of resentment pervades the room.
  
  I want to move on from discussing my children and my role as a mother. I am in a better place with this area of my life. For the moment. There are other issues I’d like to have the time and space to look at. However, when I say this she keeps me talking about the children. And the session is over before I know it. This frustrates me. I reflect on why this is and find myself second guessing what she is up to. Why did she want me to stay with that subject and not allow me to move on? Was she trying to show me how much my thinking and feelings have changed over the weeks? It is as though she wants me to consolidate what I have learnt. I think, anyway. I wish she would spend a bit of time explaining what she is doing. There doesn’t seem to be a plan or a method that
  
  I have had explained to me. We just meander along, week to week. There is no structure at all. What are the learning outcomes – to borrow a term so integral to today’s educational environment – supposed to be? What have I achieved so far? What will I achieve in the next few months? She never takes the initiative. I wish for once she would start a session. I’d like her to tell me, reflect back what she thinks she’s heard, what she understands. I know that is more typical of other schools of counselling, but I want to take stock.
  
  In the vacuum, I try to make sense of the sessions myself. I try to read about therapy – what to expect, what techniques different therapists are trained to use. I presume she knows what she is doing and she is following some sort of theory and plan. I know that the therapist is supposed to be giving me the space to change and work things out for myself, but she makes me feel very by myself.
  
  At the outset she did not sit down and say: ‘It is up to you what you do in these sessions. I will not direct you in any way. I will not fill in silences; you on the whole will have to start and resume the spoken word. I will listen intently and give you my undivided attention for 50 minutes (I assume she is doing this and not working through the list of jobs she needs to do later). If I think it is appropriate (which doesn’t happen often) I will ask you a question or make an observation. I will not instruct or advise you. We will not discuss what my role is in the room. My body language will be open, but will rarely betray what I think about what you are saying. It is a meeting of two human beings, the kind of which you have never experienced before, that is shrouded in mystery and will leave you feeling bemused and bewildered.’
  
  It doesn’t sound as though I am getting anything out of this. Pure negativity. Perhaps I am in the wrong kind of therapy. If I choose another person or type of therapy, will it be different and better and more what I want? (I reflect, again alone, that this is the way I approach my intimate relationships and life in general. My relationship with my therapist is following a pattern.)
  
  One thing I have internalised over the months is to ask for help from those I trust. Next session I am going to start by asking my therapist for help. I want her to explain what she thinks we are doing together in this room. I no longer want to feel as though I am on my own… now that we have managed to renegotiate the time together.

• Some details have been changed to protect identities.