There is no obvious or objective link between the postgraduate study of counselling and the Christmas story, but experience is not objective and my early forays into 2010 have allowed me to see a forceful parallel between our journey towards graduation and the journey of the magi!

Before the accusations of self-aggrandisement start, I am not setting myself up as a wise man, but am more mindful of Eliot’s version of their story:

‘… and such a long journey…
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.’

On close scrutiny of the Bible story, it also emerges that, unlike the shepherds who were there for the birth, the more analytical magi didn’t get there until after Jesus’ first birthday.

As it took Caspar, Melchior and Balthazar a while to catch on, it has felt recently as if only now, nearer the end than the beginning of two years of study, has our journey as fledgling counsellors started to make sense. The year and a bit that we have all spent as counselling students has tested us in many ways and has often felt like a close call between being students and being clients in therapy. It has involved a lot of introspection, questioning of self and delving that has revealed difficult feelings and awarenesses.

And having set off with a vague ambition to help others, it has often felt as if we have embarked on a study of our own psyches, values and beliefs; helping ourselves. The doubting voices singing in my ears have wondered if this level of self-examination is healthy or productive, or if the self I have identified is up to it!

But just as the magi trudged through ‘the very dead of winter’ fuelled by faith, not really knowing where they were headed or what they might find, we have all stuck with it, often discomfited and thrown off balance by the very nature of the journey and what we have uncovered.

My own mini-epiphany was sparked by some closer study of Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development; the idea that we are all progressing through life’s stages. In the particular version, the stark alternatives offered for individuals in their middle adulthood 35-65 (everyone on the course fits into this category) were between ‘stagnation’, evidenced by dissatisfaction, boredom and over-concern with oneself, and ‘generativity’, characterised by socially valued work and an ability to be concerned about others.

The unhealthy choice leapt out at me, like the foreboding ghost of things yet to come. But the very clear and plain notion, set out as the positive manifestation of a healthy middle-aged life – to do good things, to be mindful of others – seemed to crystallise the purpose of our study and our journey.

The magi set off as (sic) kings, renowned and fêted in their own country, secure in their status and rank. They see a star they have not seen before and believe it significant enough to follow it across country for over a year. After hardship and doubt, they come to their destination and, having been at the centre of their own story, offer their focus and attention to someone else, to someone else’s story.

The course literature refers specifically to what we have been doing as ‘work on the self’, as opposed to indulgence or even concentration.

This distinction began, with that distinct moment contemplating Erikson’s paradigm, to make sense. Only with a fuller knowledge of myself, in every aspect, can I really offer therapy or help to someone else, to a client.

What we have been engaged in has been a strengthening of self, in order to understand and gauge our reactions to others’ presentations; a cognitive and emotional audit of our inner workings, precisely so that we do not become fascinated by our own response and need when a client is presenting.

When I revisit that initial but vague ambition to ‘help’, it now makes sense that I ought to know where that notion comes from, where it is based and who or what might have put it there.

Having travelled through some troubling issues and suffered self doubt, I feel as though I might emerge stronger and, dare I say it, wiser and therefore better equipped to engage with someone else and their process.

In the words of another wise man – Peter (the angel?) Gabriel, as he says on Carpet Crawlers: ‘You’ve got to get in to get out’.

Some details have been changed to protect identities.