It is challenging to keep up the discipline and concentration needed for therapy. It is very difficult to sustain the focus when the therapy is not regular. For months I have honoured my commitment, making sure that I arrange my life so that nothing clashes with it. However, life events have a habit of asserting themselves and knocking you off course.
I have been having an intense love affair for a couple of months. The other day my therapist rang me to see if I was alright. She doesn’t usually ring me and then it dawned on me that it was Tuesday and that I should have been at therapy that morning. I hadn’t remembered what day of the week it was. (The affair is obviously getting a bit overwhelming, something I seem unwilling to address on my own.) She was not prepared to negotiate any rescheduling.

The time of our meeting was set in stone on day one. This cannot be changed unless she needs to change the arrangement. I have to pay for every session, unless she can’t make it. I have to say that this has irritated me from the beginning.

I struggle to think of any other appointment where the arrangement is so one-sided and inflexible. Even the most draconian of dentists will let you reschedule a forgotten appointment. And you pay for what they do. Isn’t it usual for the client to hold more power than this? The customer is always right. No, the therapist is. In a recent session we had discussed the trust that was building between us, but I need there to be more equality for that trust to really flourish.

The power imbalance around arrangements undermines trust. I am taking therapy seriously. I am not messing her about and I want her to show me some trust on that score. It leaves me feeling like the irresponsible child who has made a mistake and teacher won’t bend the rules. Relationships between equal adults should allow for flexibility and understanding.

I try to see if I can read anything into my reactions and feelings. Which relationships am I playing out with my therapist? I did want to have the session to talk through my obsession. But did I unconsciously want to avoid looking at my issues? I think I was just exhausted and forgot.

So that is one interruption in our meetings. And now we are in the silly season. My therapist and I are having a period of time apart. Booking a holiday, especially in a separated family situation involves a major scheduling operation. Having to take the therapist’s holiday plans on board was impossible, especially as she could not tell me them until six weeks before. So as a result I’m away, we see each other briefly and then she is away. This gives me a period of reflection. (I wonder if she will be giving me a second thought.) It will be telling if I miss her or not. Or will I just feel a great relief that I won’t have to put myself through the emotional wringer for a couple of weeks and save myself some cash. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, does that apply to this relationship?

I don’t have feelings of abandonment... yet. I welcome the chance to live my life without her support. It’s a trial run for when she is no longer in my life, although I can recognise that I have internalised her voice and approach to a certain extent, so she is still with me. It gives me the opportunity to put into practice some of the work we have done. I can then go back to her and see what I am still struggling with.

There was no preparation in the session leading up to our break. She didn’t say anything about how I might manage my feelings or what I could do to deal with the separation. No homework given or any offers of alternative support. It was just a very matter of fact, ‘Well I’ll see you in three weeks’. She looked glad to be one step closer to her holiday. I don’t know, maybe I’m reading too much into her body language. But obviously on some level I want to feel she cares, that I’m not just an income to her.

So, school’s out for summer! Maybe the lack of preparation is a good sign, she reckons I have the resources to just get on with things. She has helped me to realise that it is alright to ask for support when I need it and to believe that I deserve it and I will receive it. I know now where to look for the right people to support me and to break old patterns with others who undermined my self worth. I look forward to the new term. I feel as though I will be ready to go up a year and reach new levels of understanding.

Some details have been changed to protect identities.